Some Musings

This decade is nearly over. The endless twirling of time continues and, as I do on most days of the year, I find myself immersed in the endless and yet wonderfully uplifting videos of Messers John and Hank Green. I cant help but dream what things would be like if I could write my own story. I'd put in my own twists and turns and dips and dives. Im finding myself more and more bewildered by the complete lack of control I have upon my own destiny. The only comfort I can find these days is in my pursuit for more and more knowledge and my immersement in fiction. I am finding myself caring less for the opinions and feelings of others. I think this is what exploitation can do to a person. Yes, exploitation is the correct term for what people have done to me. To quote one lost friend; 'I used you as an emotional walking stick'. Honesty, like his, is what I need from people. Constantly analysing who I can and cant trust gets awfully trying after a while. True friends are hard to come by. I realise this now. It says alot that I only count three people as friends of mine. They are the only people that are as loyal to me as I am to them and I love them dearly for it. I would trust those three with my life and that isnt an exaggeration.
Rather sadly, I have found that a person can get incredibly used to loneliness. Being solitary has the effect of focussing the mind onto the things that are really important. It makes a person gather the vital threads of lifes ever unravelling tapestry, and draw them to themselves. The less secure, less important pieces fall away from one another leaving the important fragments together. Shaken and a little bedraggled but, ultimately, together.

Please, forgive me if this ramble seems angry and lachrymose, but truthfully, these carefully considered words come from this pained dreamers heart.
Much love,
Non
x

I cannot promise you a life of sunshine,
I cannot promise you, riches, wealth or gold;
I cannot promise you an easy pathway
That leads away from change or growing old.
But I can promise all my hearts devotion;
A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow;
A love thats ever true and ever growing;
And a hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow.

This is me

21/10/2010 - 64

You have no idea, no notion of how much I hate you. You really did ruin everything. I could've fixed everything if it hadnt had been for you. You really do need to realise that no one likes you! You are annoying and stupid and everyone thinks you are two faced. You play on the affections of others and turn them against one another. You steal people off others, people clearly better than you, you little bitch, and ruin relationships. I dont actually understand why anyone would bother to have feelings for you. They should save their energy because you will forever piss them about. Stop trying to steal people who mean so much to me. I really hate you.

Yours,
Someone who's have a dawning realisation.

18/10/10

I dont think I have ever been so alone. what have i done wrong?! it could've worked so well.

17/10/10

FUCKING MARVELLOUS.

12/10/10 - 73

- You both fought over me. One of you took yourself from me and the other abandoned me. Once again I am left alone while you both swan off. You both promised you would never leave me. That either proves my naiiviety or your abilities to lie to me. The two people who I never thought would be there for me, are. I think I'm lost to you two forever.

This caged bird needs to fly. And it will be without you.

Ok, so once again you lied to me. You said that this was real. You said you cared, so there was lie number one. You never once said it... I did. Multiple times. You will never understand how much this hurts or how much I hate you at the minute. And the fact you didnt care and yet you were too much of a coward to do what was right. Once again it was left to me to clear up the crap. I have never met such a self centered person with such an obscure view of themselves. You profess to care!! Liar.

You and I dozed on a bench, counting stars and you said it would work. Once again, liar.

I hope you're happy because now I have to sort myself out while you just go swanning off.

Im back to being alone with no one who gives a toss about me. All because you bloody lied.

Thanks Tosser.

:'(

Im fed up of being the one who constantly has to care for others. I am fed up of being constantly strong for every other fucker that has ever lived. I am fed up of people. All they do is use you for their own means and drop you where they found you. All they do is focus on themselves and not even give a curteous 'how are you?' even to fill conversation. You try your best to be perfect and what everyone wants to see and the when you finally snap and they realise that you arent all hell kicks off.

Fuck it
I dont care anymore. Ive had enough of people treating me like a fucking doormat

The thrill is in the chase... etc etc

They always say that the thrill is in the chase and never in the capture. Well, I'm not 100% on who this 'They' is but they're right. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn't seem to make things easier to deal with. I feel I cant tell you things. Important things that would probably explain alot if you knew them. I'm sorry for my horrendous moodswings, and I wish I had the guts to tell these things to you in person. I think coward would be the appropriate word to use here.

Apologies,

The loyalest coward you are ever going to meet.